Small Joys

The world can become very small.  It can be very tiring and overwhelming.  It is easy to focus on what is difficult.  There is so much that is ugly about fighting cancer.  It is hard to find the good in life through the fog.

Much of what my mom battles is in her mind.  How do you WANT to get up and move when all you know is overwhelming fatigue.  It is easy to sleep.  Getting dressed is in insurmountable task that defeats you before you throw back the covers.

One of my jobs lately is to point out the good.  It is there if you look for it.  Some times it might be the smallest, little thing.  But if it makes her smile or laugh well then it was worth it. 

The small BIG joys from today.

1.  Trip to Hy-vee to pick up a prescription.  This was the first(not doctor) trip mom has had in over two weeks.  She enjoyed the post Valentine’s roses & tulips.

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2.  Laughter.  Several times today I joked about something I did or mom did that wasn’t that funny but it drew a laugh.  Precious to me.

3.  Engaging life.  Today mom looked me in the eye.  She called Abby, the therapy dog, over to pet her.  She started conversations with me.

4.  A closer family.  Sadly before this journey my brother, sister & I weren’t really very close.  We talked at holidays & birthdays but that has all changed.  There are daily conversations flowing & we know what’s going on each other’s daily lives.  I pointed that out to mom today.  One HUGE blessing that has come out of this mess.

I know that tomorrow may not be a good day for mom.  She knows it too.  I plan to keep counting the good little joys that sneak in.  It helps to chase away the fog and brings light to her world(and mine).

Therapy Dog

I have teased my mom that she really doesn’t come to my house to be pampered & fed & enjoy her grandchildren. 

She comes to see my dog.

Abby is a sweet black lab who would let you pet her until your arm falls off. She’s sweet tempered, hardly ever barks and seems to know when mom needs a touch or company.  One of my favorite sights is to see mom sleeping on the couch and Abby sleeping close by.  Its like she know that mom needs a little extra loving right now.

Mom loves to let Abby lean against her and she pets her head & rubs her ears.  This seems to be mutually beneficial to both of them

Abby gets her loving(which she is not lacking from the rest of the family) and Mom gets to see my her sweet puppy. 

Love/Hate relationship with Drugs

The reality of fighting cancer is that you will be putting drugs in your body.  Sometimes REALLY bad drugs.  But you have to in order to fight the cancer.

The thing that is supposed to kill your disease in the end feels like it will kill all your energy, your desire to eat and at times your will to get out of bed and live.

I LOVE that these drugs are working for my mom.  Her tumors are shrinking and that is VERY good.  But she seems to be especially sensitive to the chemotherapy drugs.  She is strong and relatively young(62) so she is receiving a very strong cocktail of drugs to fight her pancreatic cancer.

I HATE that mom has to have even more drugs to battle the nausea, diarrhea, confusion, pain, constipation, & others.  Many of those drugs have worse side effects than the chemotherapy.

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Managing those drugs is an overwhelming task.  When you add that to the challenge of finding something that tastes good and the paralyzing fatigue that plagues a person dealing with chemotherapy it just is more than one person can bear.  So we who are watching have to come along side to help bear the burden. 

I will confess that this week on more than one occasion I have just wanted to quit.  Walk away from this trial that we are walking through with my mom. 

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Much of the problem is drugs.  Drugs that help with nausea cause confusion.  I hate to see her sick but I also hate that her life has been come a big blur that doesn’t make much sense. 

We were dealing with a stay in the hospital this week because mom’s symptoms from chemo weren’t subsiding.  More drugs helped in this case & I am glad.  Now that she is home we have found that those drugs cause more fatigue & confusion. 

Just what she needs huh?

I would never walk away from this—let me make that clear.   I do have to step back & take breaks though.  It gets overwhelming and exhausting. 

And I’m not the one with cancer.

Women of Faith in November 2011

Back to Scrapbooking!

Mondays are usually a day where we are home all day.  We get TONS of school done on those days. 

That is super important right now as we’ve used most of our vacation time for the year.  That is the wonderful privilege of home schooling.  Sometimes our priorities are not multiplication tables or biology experiments.  So we rearranged our schedule because the lesson that people are more important than school a priority.

I mentioned last week how we have a new normal.  Well in the old normal I was a pretty organized person.  The kids had assigned chores, did laundry on certain days & regularly cooked & helped with dishes. 

We still get all almost all that done now but it is not organized.  I am okay with that.  That is one more lesson that God has taught me as we go through cancer with my mom.  He doesn’t care if my floors are mopped(they aren’t) but he does care if I’ve taken the time to call or stop by.

Needless to say that my extra time is not devoted to my favorite hobby.  I usually sleep, snuggle with kids or do laundry(never done).  I haven’t touched my scrapbooking since October when I went on a weekend getaway with friends.  BUT I did get my stuff out of the closet this weekend.

Now if I can just sneak away for a few minutes to journal or work on a layout.  So thankful I had time for the first step to getting some time to indulge in my hobby.

How to wear a lei in your hair!

We have been blessed to participate in a wonderful program for girls called Far Above Rubies.  A sweet Christian woman organizes one afternoon a week for girls in our area.  She keeps them busy with skits, songs, lessons, & snacks.  They learn scripture & hear about missionaries. 

It started small with just a few girls and now there are almost 100 that are involved.  Elizabeth is a leader of one of the sub groups and Megan is a helper in another group.

Last weeks theme was Tropical Tuesday.  One year after the blizzard that swept through the mid-west!  We actually joke that it is guaranteed to snow on Tropical Tuesday and it usually does!

Megan wanted to do something new this year with her outfit.  Its hard to find tropical stuff in January!

We have a collection of hawaiian type shirts & a few leis.  The girls also take a beach towel to sit on at class.

Megan declared she wanted flowers in her hair so she made it work to have a lei headband.

A clip helps hold it in place.  Megan’s has gotten really long so her flowers fit right in with her flowing mane!  Looks great Megan!

Don’t for get your flip flops!

    

Vegetable Soup Rug

Sitting and doing nothing is not a skill I possess.

I need a book.  I need a project.  With either of those & I can sit all day while working quietly.  My kindle helps a lot with that.  Been downloading free books!

It seems like in the past two months I’ve had to run out the door at a moments notice.  Then when I get where I am going, then I just sit for hours waiting.

Hospital rooms, doctor visits, or sitting at chemotherapy with mom.  They all have one thing in common.  Time where I just sit and wait.

My solution to this is my bag.  It has projects, snacks, paper, pen, gum, money & my Kindle.  If I have this ready then I can grab my id, keys & I am ready for the day.  It is sad when your life can be reduced to a bag.  I use it for when I am running errands & dropping kid.  I’m more patient if I have something to do.

My current project is a rug.  I don’t really know why I love rugs so much. 

I learned how to make a toothbrush rug at Silver Dollar City.  It is a great kind of rug but I want a rectangle to go by my front door.

So I started a locker hook rug.  I’ve made one of these before but not this big.  There are a lot of great books & tutorials out there so I won’t be doing a step-by-step on this one.  I will show my progress from time to time though.  Currently I am about 1/3 done.  The goal is to do 4 rows a day—some days I make it & some I don’t.  (especially when I use the time after the kids go to sleep to blog)

Rugs seem to be what I can manage to make these days.  I love quilts, cross stitch, and sewing but my rug is portable and doesn’t take a lot of concentration.  Pick a color, do a row, pick another color, do a row.  Not real challenging on the brain.

Elizabeth calls this rug “The Vegetable Soup Rug”

I think it is the colors.  Fall colors.  I will tell you the story behind the colors soon.  My only attempt at frugalness lately.  Not much couponing going on.

I will give a hint.  Where can you buy yards of fabric without spending an arm & a leg?

New normal

One question I ask myself a lot lately is “What is normal?”  I think normal is what we expect to happen.

Why do we do that to ourselves?  Nothing we expect to happen ever goes the way we think it will.

I expected my parents to grow old together & putter around doing old people things until God called one or both of them home.  Sounds silly doesn’t it?

Needless to say that hasn’t happened.  My new normal is that my mom is living with us off and on. 

She needs more care than my dad can do by himself.  He worries about how she’s doing.  Then he can’t sleep.

My new normal(for several weeks) was to wake up and have a phone call early in the morning(usually on Monday) every few days with a new crisis.  Too much medicine, exhaustion, broken trust, sharp words.  All these things can alone cause problems but when you combine them it can be a crisis.

Sometimes you have to head off a crisis before it happens.  To help my dad not worry we rearranged our home for a while.  We don’t have a guest room but our basement has two new bedrooms in it now

     

Mom has a room to come and stay in right around chemo.  She has a counter in the kitchen and space in the bathroom.  She comes and we give her some extra TLC before & after chemo.  Dad sleeps & gets his rest.  Everyone benefits.

Sometimes you have to think out of the box.  I am glad that my parents are comfortable in my home.  Dad even invaded the kitchen to make gravy!

Love for someone isn’t about what they give you or how they make you feel.  It is laying aside your desires and plans to help them.  I never thought that I would be walking this path but I wouldn’t trade the privilege of being Jesus’s hands and feet for my mom and dad at this time in their lives.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend.     John 5:13